With the end of year holidays approaching many people are excited about all that is to come. For many of us, this also means impending high-expectation gatherings with family and friends that may increase feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression. As we head into this season, let’s look together at ways to manage the holidays so they encapsulate more peace and less stress.
I would like to invite you to think about your holiday mental health in three stages:
The Pre-Holiday Inventory
Surviving the Dynamic: Real Time Coping
Holiday Hangover: Processing Family Burnout
By considering the before, during, and after of the holiday, we give ourselves the best shot at preparation, survival, and recovery.
The Pre-Holiday Inventory
Being prepared to take on a high-expecation gathering means checking in with ourselves to first identify triggers that often come up when inhabiting spaces like those we are anticipating entering. To begin, think about the kinds of people and challenges you typically encounter that set your brain or body into an uncomfortable state. Some examples may be:
The Boundary Pusher: This is the person who knows what you don’t like and does it anyway. This might look like someone refusing to take “no” for an answer, a friend bringing up a topic that they know is difficult for you in a group conversation, or someone making passive-aggressive comments about you digging for a reaction. This behavior exists to make you more reactionary than you would like to be.
The Critic: This is the individual who has something to say about everything. They may hate the food, they may make comments about your body or appearance, they may criticize your job or other life choices. Whatever they have to say, it comes off judgemental and invasive
The Peace Keeper: This is the enabler. The person in the room who watches these other roles play out and does nothing about it. They stand in the corner, invalidating your feelings and pressuring you to tolerate toxic behavior to maintain a false sense of harmony.
The Guilt Tripper: This is the individual who needs you to feel bad for your choices. Perhaps you skipped a holiday event and they need to hold it over you, perhaps you moved away and they need you to know they feel abandoned, perhaps they make you feel bad about what you do or do not eat. They make you feel bad about yourself, your choices, and foster resentment in the relationship.
These are just a few examples of family dynamics that often play out in large group gatherings that can feel activating. Going to a gathering with an awareness of the dynamics that historically show up and activate you is important because it allows you to be better prepared to manage and contain your own emotional reactions and boundaries.
Surviving the Dynamic: Real Time Coping
Once we have identified our predictable triggers, we can start to look at how to cope with family dynamics in the moment.
Regulating your nervous system: A simple box breathing exercise, inhaling for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, holding again for 4 seconds helps to slow your parasympathetic nervous system and give you real time results. This is something you can do in plain sight, making it a secret weapon in moments you feel like you cannot step away.
Managing information shared: You can protect yourself in the moment by determining beforehand what your talking points with challenging individuals are going to be. You get to define how narrow or how broadly you share about your life and which whom. Not everyone gets the same access. This can also involve working with your partner, siblings, or other trusted comrade to coordinate what will or will not be shared at family gatherings so they can support and coordinate with you.
Protecting your space: This may look like stepping out of a conversation, staying in a hotel room outside of the family home, making sure you leave to go get coffee in the morning and have time for yourself, or simply taking a walk after the family meal. Finding ways to preserve your space and create spaces for yourself to process and feel in the midst of an activating environment allows your body to feel an increased sense of safety.
Holiday Hangover: Processing Family Burnout
Finally, having a plan to support yourself post holiday is essential! Whether it is your favorite meal, a nice hotel room, a date with a friend, it is critical that you make space for you to come down. I often recommend people leave one day of reentry after a trip to see family so that they have time to be in their own space and settle themselves before jumping back into work or other life routines.
This is also where therapy can be supportive. Having a place to land emotionally after a high-expectation event can be incredibly reassuring and important for yourself. Your therapist can support you in the identification of triggers, preparation of coping skills, and be a space for you to process how you felt after the fact. They serve as a touchstone for you throughout the holiday season and beyond to encourage you to take care of yourself. Often, this is exactly the voice needed in a season where family demands are high and many voices are demanding of us.
If you are looking for someone to support you in navigating challenging family dynamics, I would invite you to reach out for your free consultation with me. I specialize in family dynamics, interpersonal dynamics, and trauma and we can have a conversation specifically tailored to your history and your needs. Together, we can make a plan to support your specific situation and get you long term support, protecting your peace and finding new ways forward.